WOW!
After reading the previous blogs I was surprised to see just how sad and negative my outlook on life had been. I strongly try to live my life with a positive view that impacts other people in a pleasant and good way. I suppose I must keep in mind that the times I wrote this were very difficult times in my life indeed. And admit I am at awe at how much my life has changed since then.

My life has transformed so much in the last year.... hell the last five months even. I battled a pretty heavy drug problem, made some horrible decisions and even did some bad things to good, innocent people. I threw away my conscience and to be honest I don't even know what i thought Id get in return at the time that convinced me it was worth doing... but ive learned that drugs will do that to you. Through it all I realize I misplaced myself and it took some time to gain the courage to want to re-find me.

Kean and I are aproching 5 months clean now and even though we have a long way to go from here, we still have come so far. I find I can genuinely smile again and my heart fills with wonder as Kean rediscovers himself and sees just how great of a man he can be. I've begun to regain my relationship with God after throwing him out of my life due to the anger I held for my grandfather's death. And the healing process for that is long over due and well into the acceptance phase. Kean was saved this previous weekend, the changes Jesus has made in his soul and perspective... well, it shines through him in such a glorious way you can't help but be able to tell he is once again happy. We have also re-enrolled ourselves into college in order to create a life with a good sturdy path together.

I'm facing some pretty scary stuff ahead in the near future.... HUGE, life changing consequences are headed my way. I remind myself that God has a plan, that I did do wrong and deserve what may happen. I have faith that God wont give me more than I can handle and that His justice is fair. I hold no resentment for the people who wish for vengeance nor can I blame them for wanting it. Kean keeps me strong and ready, telling me that this is what must happen in order to move on, be forgiven and therefore be able to truly become renewed. He places his hope in the faith of the Lord and His plan for us and the fact that this is small occurrence in the grand scheme of our whole lives.

While we have changed for the better and have come a long way, therefore now we have a chance for a bright and beautiful life ahead of us. We must go through the darkness we have created first in order to get there. And I thank God for the opportunity and Kean for the strength to do so.

birthdays adn tests

I wish that i did a better job writing in this.Lets see, a lot has happened since ive done this:
1. kean's birthday
2. kean got a car... cute little two seat convertible
3. i finally got kean the xbox360 he wanted (he had a good birthday)
4. a friend of ours lost his place and has crashed out at my house lately

i went to church with jo yesterday except she doesnt do the service instead we worked with kids. i loved it. i hope to go again. everytime im with kids i feel better about life again. it makes me feel like its alll worth it. = ]
i have testing today and woke up earlier than im used to just to findout that my teacher is late and now im waiting. i know its english testing today and im gunna do justfine on that part... its the math thats gunna get me.
anyways i better study a little before she gets here.

Egyption Universe

Goodness im bad at keeping this thing up. Lets see im doing better today then yesterday. kean found me this really cool book kit that teaches you how to write in hieroglyphs and me and him came up with some really cute simbols to use for full words. I plan on writing a love letter in hieroglyphs to him and making him decifer it. I realize that right now is the time that i need to keep myself busy but i have so much to do that it depresses me and than i get to down in the dumps and than i cant talk myself into doing it anymore. I am three weeks behind in school work. I didnt get those DAMN CLOTHES on the hangers like i really wanted to(no time) and now they are all over the room! and i should do somthing about it but its my entire closet (easily over 100 articles of clothing) and itll take me hours plus ive been so fucking tired its not even funny. I wish i could feel awake and rejuvinated instead im always sleepy and zombie-like. Kean looks so tired and sick it isnt funny. He needs to sleep worse than i do. Im hoping this letter will brighten his day. = ]

I dont feel like writing much today.but i told myself that i would keep this up. sadly a lot of my check this week is going to my mom. This whole past two weeks ive been excited about treating myself to something nice, nothing really in mind but i was still excited,cept now my money has to go elsewhere.

On a diffrent note
Today was my lazy day. i spent the day going to work, cuddling, homemade face wash, and random chit chattin. It was nice and calm,only i kno 2morrow will have to be productive. I finally got hangers so ineed to tend to my clothes and then lots of homework and then go to the gym(hopefully) with alicia. if not ill just to some basic stuff like go for a jog. Its 11 now so i think its best i go to bed so 2morrow i start fresh and early.

Nighttime Tears

Tonight did not end well. k went home and got into a huge fight with his fam and i wish i could have been there for him. im emotionally tired. im physically tired.and yet i cannot sleep.

my sister proved once again that all she wants is us to be her bitch and nothing else. she had the balls to ask for a ride all that way to esco at 10 at night. after not talking to me for months only because i had called her the other day to tell her about grampa.

i stubbed my toe and now its all red and welting. ive already taken a shower today buti want another one, i feel its the only way ill feel better. i dont think i will tho. no, i think ill curl up in bed and watch the only channel i get upstairs untill i eithor wake up enough to do somthing productive or pass out. i hope i pass out.

im a week behind in school work and have a meeting 2morrow. i dont think i will go. i dont really care rite now.

i wish my mom had remember hangers because i have two giant baskets (the tall kind) filled over the rim with clothes and no hangers left. i have a sad feeling that all my clothes are goin to end up on the floor by the end of the week if i dont get them into the closet. i feel very alone tonight. i lost the only person in my family i truelly respected and my rock went home to a house filled with range.

im going to bore myself to sleep now

Long Time Coming

I havnt written one of these in a while but with everything i thought it might help me feel... idk differently i guess. My grampa died 2days ago. i keep getting reminded of him but in all the ways i want to remember him by. Theres not goin to be a funeral and his body is already creamated and far gone.my grampa wanted to die quick and be gone swiflty. i guess he got his wish. but im goin to be ok. i kno he died happy.

IN OTHER NEWS
k is pretty much living with me again. im loving it (even wen we r grumpy). he's really helped me get thru this with ease and is doing everything he can to be there for me. we cleaned the room so it is amazingly clean. which surprised even me that we got it done. it looks really good and finally have a mirror so i can see my full outfit for the day. its so nice to have a clean room and now theres only a few things left on my list room improvment:
>trash can
>posters
>black light
>rug
>paint
>couch(?)

also a really exciting thing that cheers me up is finally after 31/2 yrs i went thru all my clothes and threw out that ones i dont want or are ruined and washed everything else. today im getting a shitload of hangers and gunna hang everything up all nice and organized. i love a clean full closet. its a nice way to wake up in the morning. i plan on trying loads of things on while i do it and take lots of pictures.
so expect a new blog soon.

morning madness

i stayed up way to late last night and i am for sure feeling it this morning. i guess it could be worse but it still isnt funn to have to wake up and first thing u do, even before you get to pee is have to meet with ur teacher about math. =/
anyways i got bored during my meeting and took some really poor pics. this was one of ther better ones

and then i felt vampire-ish

since yesterday was such a bummer day i figured id wake up and try to put a more positive attitude on.
wish me luck.
= ]